Three Practical Strategies to Own Your Failures

We all make mistakes. And we all don’t want them to be seen, to become public. We want to hide those mistakes under a blanket of “didn’t happen” or into a forest of “wasn’t me.”

I am not a stranger to failures myself. I made mistakes more times than I am willing to admit. The lesson that I learned along the way that if I do not do my inner work around my shortcomings, my shortcoming will do their inner work on me and this is not the most delightful movie to participate in.

There is a significant probability that if you read me, you are into innovation and change. With the current speed of events and with the startups’ failure rate, we must find ways to deal with our blankets and forests, because accepting failure is a big part of moving forward.

Here I want to share three strategies with you that work for me and allow me to be a better leader, a better partner, a better daughter, and a better friend.

What will be a version 2.0?

Failure is a heavy word. It is a shameful word. What if instead of shaming yourself, you would reframe your failure into an experiment? Ok, Olga, that didn’t go as planned, what would you do differently next time? There is a probability that the situation will present itself to you again.

Take a piece of paper and journal for 15min. Ask yourself a question: How will a 2.0 version look like?

First, start with small successes inside your shortcoming and then ask yourself, what would you do differently? Write it down. Create a 2.0 version.

Now you have a clear script for the next time you will step into the same situation and the probability of you not meeting your expectations about yourself is getting lower.

What resources/skills/ help will you need?

Imagine you are about to do something meaningful and it reminds you of your past failure. You want to start a new business, and you remember how painful it was when you had to close your previous company. Or you are about to get married after a painful divorce. At the same time, there is no option not to do those things. You know if you don’t build a new company or you don’t marry the person you love — you will regret it for the rest of your life.

So what should you do?

The standard strategy is to deny your previous experience. It didn’t happen. You are clean, and your new experience has nothing to do with your last life. And this is what I call “setting yourself up for failure.”

To set yourself up for success, admit that those unpleasant experiences happened to you before. After accepting it, ask yourself a question — what resources/help you need to change the outcome?

Any conversations that need to happen? Any skills that you need to acquire? Any risks that you need to consider? Write it down. And do your homework.

Derisking the situation while dealing with others

In many cases, when you answer the previous question, you might find yourself saying something like “I need to be open with… about …”.

I find this part of my “homework” the most challenging: exposing myself to another person and admitting I have my shadows to carry.

Here is a short script that will help you to have an open and honest conversation with another person.

I usually start by telling a story… Remember the last time you went through the same challenge and share the essence of the story. Then explain to the person why this story is important and relevant to the current situation?

Last time …(situation),… (result/what happened), because I… (reason/your contribution). It is important for me… (desired outcome). In order to achieve this outcome, I … (your need/suggestion)

You know last time I had a co-founder, we lost trust and ended up in a fight because I was not showing how stressed I am and I wasn’t asking for help and covered my feelings under a mask of happiness and positivity (btw, true story). It is essential for me that we are honest with each other and to achieve that I want us to have regular check-ins with each other on how we feel and where we are at.

Here is a couple of rules:

• It needs to be about you and your behavioral pattern.
• You need to know what is your desired outcome.
• You need to suggest how to minimize the risk or at least invite the other person to discuss this topic to find a common tool.
• You need to put your mutual decisions in practice.

I know, I’ve promised you just three tools and you can stop reading here if you feel like you own your failures by now.

Sometimes though it is not that simple, emotions behind specific outcomes and situations might be way too loud and too deep, and you find yourself thinking about them and beating yourself up. I want to give you one extra strategy that will help you to deal with your emotions.

What will it take for you to forgive yourself?

You are honest with yourself, and you know you contributed to the negative outcome. You thought through every single step that you made in the wrong direction. You know how it affected other people. Now you need to move forward and you can’t because you feel stuck in this story.

If this sounds familiar, ask yourself this question — what will it take you to forgive yourself? Listen to your answer.

Do you need to apologize in front of someone? Do you need to fix something that you don’t want to deal with anyone? Look at your values and your current morals and create an action that will allow you to forgive yourself. And then go and do what needs to be done…

Don’t hesitate to share your experience and your strategies with me! Please comment and reach out directly via hello@olgasteidl.com